Frailty From My Father

I woke up Tuesday feeling like I had the flu, which is why I had to walk the dog.

No, I didn’t actually have the flu. If I had, I would have stayed in bed longer than noon. I’ve been diagnosed with three auto-immune disorders. Tuesday’s illness was just another Fibromyalgia flare-up: flu-like symptoms (without the fever), extreme body aches, deep bone pain, muscle weakness, mental fog, debilitating fatigue. These flare-ups come often when the weather gets cold. [In fact, I typed most of this two days later as I lay in bed from another mild flare-up].

In my case, only two things help a Fibromyalgia flare-up: Rest and Exercise. I don’t know why exercise helps. But that’s with most things about Fibromyalgia.

I’d already been resting since noon. That’s why it was time for me now to walk our dog, Bear. Everything in me wants to get back in bed. But I will myself to go.

We drive to the park. Our 100 pound chocolate Lab begins excitedly whimpering like a baby as we pull into the parking lot. I put on Bear’s leash, put my headphones in, and start the newest audiobook I downloaded from the library…The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.

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In 1640 Nicolas Herman joined a Discalced Carmelite monastery in Paris. “Brother Lawrence of the Resurrection,” as he became known, was a humble monk who is most famous for learning to pray at all times, regardless of situation. He spent most of his years in the monastery as a cook, where he learned to “practice the presence of God” while preparing a meal or washing dishes.

People recognized this godly man’s spiritual discernment. They began learning from him in-person and through written letters to and from him. The Practice of the Presence of God is mainly a compilation of letters Lawrence wrote to others. Shortly after Lawrence’s death, his letters were compiled and published in 1692. For centuries, this little book has influenced Protestants and Catholics. As I read about the book’s history, I often saw that both John Wesley and A.W. Tozer recommended this book to others. Read a short Wikipedia bio on Brother Lawrence here.

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I checked the temperature before we left home for the park. It was 56 degrees and a little windy. But this wooded area next to the Trinity River is often several degrees lower than the official temperature.

The cold makes Bear frisky; it makes my bones ache. Cold weather is always hard on my body. The audiobook plays in my ears. The fall air feels wet. The trees are turning all around us. Many of their leaves already lay on the ground. Various shades of green, red, yellow, and brown squish beneath my feet.

Before I awoke that morning, my body’s pain sneaked into my subconscious brain. I had just finished running a marathon on uneven terrain. My feet and legs were throbbing. Then I woke up.

Nope. No marathon. Just a night sleeping in a soft bed…and pain…pain from a ‘hidden’ illness without any known cause or cure.

Centuries-old wisdom from a lowly cook and dishwasher, letters written to those seeking spiritual counsel, speaks into my ears for several minutes as I force my tired legs to move. I begin listening where I stopped the day before. I listen to the Eighth Letter. The Ninth Letter. The Tenth Letter. And then I hear these words :

“Eleventh Letter: I do not pray that you may be delivered from your pains; but I pray earnestly that God gives you strength and patience to bear them as long as He pleases. Comfort yourself with Him who holds you fastened to the cross. He will loose you when He thinks fit. Happy are those who suffer with Him. Accustom yourself to suffer in that manner, and seek from Him the strength to endure as much, and as long, as He judges necessary for you.
Worldly people do not comprehend these truths. It is not surprising though, since they suffer like what they are and not like Christians. They see sickness as a pain against nature and not as a favor from God. Seeing it only in that light, they find nothing in it but grief and distress. But those who consider sickness as coming from the hand of God, out of His mercy and as the means He uses for their salvation, commonly find sweetness and consolation in it.
I pray that you see that God is often nearer to us and present within us in sickness than in health. Do not rely completely on another physician because He reserves your cure to Himself. Put all your trust in God. You will soon find the effects in your recovery, which we often delay by putting greater faith in medicine than in God. Whatever remedies you use, they will succeed only so far as He permits. When pains come from God, only He can ultimately cure them. He often sends sickness to the body to cure diseases of the soul. Comfort yourself with the Sovereign Physician of both soul and body.

Twelfth Letter: If we were well accustomed to the practice of the presence of God, bodily discomforts would be greatly alleviated. God often permits us to suffer a little to purify our souls and oblige us to stay close to Him.
Take courage. Offer Him your pain and pray to Him for strength to endure them. Above all, get in the habit of often thinking of God, and forget Him the least you can. Adore Him in your infirmities. Offer yourself to Him from time to time. And, in the height of your sufferings, humbly and affectionately beseech Him (as a child his father) to make you conformable to His holy will. I shall endeavor to assist you with my poor prayers.”

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I rewind and listen to these words again. Then I rewind again. I meditate on these words. I’m still meditating on these words.

How do I view my illness? Do I “find nothing in it but grief and distress?”  Or do I “find sweetness and consolation in it?”

I reflect on Lawrence’s prayer “I pray that you see that God is often nearer to us and present within us in sickness than in health.” I picture my wife when our little boys are sick, as she holds them in her arms. Our busy 4 and 1-year old boys have no time for snuggling with momma…until they are sick. In sickness, she is happy to hold them against her chest. And they are happy to be held.

When did I become ‘too big’ to be held during sickness? Have I unknowingly done the same with God? I remember how John 13:23 reads in some older translations: “There was reclining on Jesus’ breast one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved” (NAS).

Does God allow (send?) some illnesses? Does he long for us to climb into his arms, resting our head (and “all our cares”) on his chest?

I remember when our 4-year old was younger, mixing up his pronouns as he learns. When he wanted us to hold him, he’d stretch up his arms and say, “hold you.”

I think of our 1-year-old. When he sees me as I walk through the door, he crawls over, gets up on his knees and raises his arms up toward me.

I think of God’s people in the Old Testament. Even in the midst of pain, famine, suffering, and siege, Israel and Judah still did not turn to the arms of God. Am I so different? How often have I relied “completely on another physician,” or medicine, or Internet tip, or more sleep, and gave no thought to relying on God during my pain?

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Lawrence’s words gave me new perspective on my illnesses. I will “offer Him my pain.” I will “adore Him in my infirmities.” As I use science, medicine, and exercise to seek healing, I will remember “they will succeed only so far as He permits.” When I am sick, I will climb into God’s lap, let Him wrap mighty arms around me, and consider this frailty from my Father.