Occasionally, God gives me a sudden glimpse into my own spiritual immaturity.

In our church’s worship service last night [we meet at 4:00pm instead of the usual Sunday morning times], missionaries shared how God had been working in the country this couple had served for 20 years. The missionaries are “Creative Access” missionaries. This means the country where they serve is hostile to indigenous Christians and has completely banned foreign Christian missionaries from entering.

As the missionaries spoke, I saw pictures of poor and harassed people quietly serving Jesus. I heard stories about faithful Christian pastors enduring persecution and harassment. For months, one pastor was arrested every Saturday night and released every Monday. Local authorities were determined he would never preach on Sundays.

But during the entire presentation, what was the dominant thought running through my head?– “Why can’t I get more people to attend our church services?

I can’t grow a church

Now, if you’re part of our church family and reading this my next statement will come as no surprise. I can’t grow a church.

Pick any hobby, skill, or industry…you’ll find some in the field who appear more naturally gifted. For example, some people put in no effort, but yield big results. Some put in a little effort and yield exponential results. And then there’s people like me who put in massive effort (at least, it feels like massive effort) and yield tiny results. [For this blog post, the particular “result” I’m referring to is numerical church attendance growth.]

Here’s the honest truth: I’m just not a great pastor. Given my personality and natural gifts, pastoring a church (in the more traditional sense of that word) is difficult for me.

Before you reply to this post with a warm compliment or kind argument that I’m wrong, let me stop you. I’m not fishing for compliments. But nor am I unfairly criticizing myself.

Here’s another much-needed honest truth: It’s ok to not be “great.” There’s no need to fake it and no need for false compliments affirming that I really am great. I can’t find one Biblical calling for our “greatness.” However, I do find may verses calling for our faithfulness.

No, I’m not a great pastor. Nor am I a terrible pastor. I’m a fairly adequate pastor with pretty average pastor skills (again, using “pastor” in the way that term has commonly been used and understood in North America for much of the last 50-100 years).

Weakness on Display

Last night, while surrounded by multiple vacant seats, I felt like my “average” skills were on display. If a “great” pastor can draw a crowd…I’m not great.

When it comes to ‘average pastoral gifting,’ I score kind of low. In spite of my efforts to improve, my ‘pastoral score’ hasn’t raised much. To borrow a phrase from one of Jesus’ parables, I’m just not a “ten-talent” pastor.

If you’re familiar with our church and the ways I’ve attempted to faithfully follow God the last several years, you’ll know our church does some pretty “out of the box” ministries. We have a great summer day camp we started years ago to low-income families, we host youth groups all summer on mission trips, we’ve helped plant churches, we provide building space at below-market rates to other churches/ministries, and we have a unique summer intern training program.

I can’t speak for all pastors, but I know many struggle with the same gnawing question I felt during last night’s Sunday service– “What does all that matter if I can’t grow a church?”

Pain

When it comes to ‘average 33-year-old male health,’ I also score pretty low. And (just as with pastoring), in spite of my efforts to improve, my ‘health score’ hasn’t raised much.

Pain has been my constant Silent Companion for over a decade.
I’ve written several times about my pain and auto-immune disorders. But, in daily conversation, I rarely discuss my ailments or pain. I just live with it, avoid choices that exacerbate my body’s frail condition, and occasionally experiment with new treatments/practices. I’ve even learned psychological coping mechanisms that help me almost forget the pain…almost.

Sunday night, I could not forget the pain. Sunday morning, I made some stupid choices that would guarantee I’d feel the pain by Sunday night.

What did I do, you ask? Run five miles? Help someone move? Exhaust myself in the heat?

No. I ironed 6 dress shirts.

An ironing board defeated me.

100% cotton shirts ARE. THE. WORST.

Nothing causes me more excruciating pain and exhaustion than standing in one place.

I spent forever ironing one shirt with a tag that said “Wrinkle free.” Yeah right.

By the end of our Sunday service, I could barely think straight. Holding the simplest of conversations required tremendous mental effort.

My wife headed out for an evening meeting. So I quickly gave the boys baths, put our youngest down for bed, and then laid down on our oldest son’s bed. Finally, I could get off my feet.

For the next 20 minutes, I gave our oldest son the best of myself I could muster. I faked smiles and enthusiasm, attempting to force the pain from my mind.

We had the kind of conversation you’d expect when a pastor-dad attempts to debrief with his 5-year-old son the church Missionary Service: a mixture of short, churchy phrases interrupted with descriptions of Lego and train creations scattered around the room.

Thanks, Andrew

I hid my pain and frailty, and listened our sweet boy’s stories about the imaginary city laid out on his bedroom floor. And then Andrew Murray’s precious words came to mind.

“The Christian often tries to forget his weakness; God wants us to remember it, to feel it deeply. The Christian wants to conquer his weakness and to be freed from it; God wants us to rest and even rejoice in it. The Christian mourns over his weakness; Christ teaches His servant to say, ‘I take pleasure in infirmities. Most gladly …will I…glory in my infirmities’ (2 Cor. 12:9)’ The Christian thinks his weaknesses are his greatest hindrance in the life and service of God; God tells us that it is the secret of strength and success. It is our weakness, heartily accepted and continually realized, that gives our claim and access to the strength of Him who has said, ‘My strength is made perfect in weakness”

Andrew Murray, Abide in Christ: The Joy of Being in God’s Presence

In our 5-year-old’s bedroom, God (once again) placed my pastoral and physical weaknesses back into proper perspective.

What shall we do?

Can you relate? Change my “pastor score” and “health score” to the pertinent “scores” in your life. How do you score in the areas that matter most to you?

Are you the top in your class? Are you the highest-earner, the most qualified, most awarded, most admired? Or, do you score a little lower? Maybe you score really lower. Maybe you’ve quit all sorts of things because your low “scores” caused too much shame.

Do you feel weak? Inadequate? Not good enough? Do you feel embarrassed that your hard work often produces little evidence of “success?” If we do feel this way, what should you and I do about it?

Oh, sure. Many of us could be a little more “successful” with more effort. It’s possible (likely?) you and I could take tangible steps today to learn, improve, change, redirect our efforts, or even totally change directions. It’s even possible we’re unsuccessful because we’ve traveled down a path God never intended.

If God wants us to take any steps to improve or change (small or big) to increase our success, He will gladly show us the way forward as we seek His guidance.

But we should never assume we have the same definition of “success” as God has. Perhaps we do; perhaps we don’t [a wealth of Biblical examples suggest we usually don’t].

Whispers and Screams

The world (and much of the Church) shuns weakness… Weakness, and situations spotlighting our weaknesses, should be avoided at all costs. And when we can’t avoid our weakness, we should at least hide them.

The World SCREAMS “Only the strong succeed!”

The Church SCREAMS “Strong pastors – good pastors – skilled pastors – grow churches!“

My own thoughts SCREAMED “You are not good enough, not skilled enough, not equipped enough, not strong enough. You don’t ‘score high’ enough. You are too weak!“

But then God used Andrew Murray’s comments on 2 Corinthians 12. He whispered to my troubled soul, “my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

If God “makes his strength perfect in weakness, what happens if we constantly run from our weaknesses, and the from the situations that spotlight our weaknesses? Will we miss divine opportunities for God’s perfect strength to shine through us, to even strengthen us?

If we run from Weakness, are we abandoning our
(to borrow Murray’s words) “claim and access to the strength of Him?” I don’t know about you, but I’ll take God’s strength over this world’s strength any day of the week.

God, protect me from believing Human Strength can ever substitute for Divine Power.

And by the way,

If you’re near southwest Fort Worth and looking for a church with a “fairly adequate” pastor, I’d love to see you Sunday. Don’t forget, I’m still trying to grow this church. 😉

“I’ll Sing of the Wonderful Promise”

4:00pm is not the ideal time for a church service. Seriously. It’s terrible. It’s “too late” for most church attenders and “too early” for those college and young-adult church attenders who prefer evening services. But that’s when Renovation Community meets, since we share a building with other churches.

A 4:00pm Easter worship service is even worse. Almost half our church family was absent…attending Family Easter lunches that extended into the evening. In my immaturity, a low-attendance worship service still wounds my selfish pride.

This morning, I suddenly thought to create a Facebook event for our Easter service, and then pay to advertise it. My ad didn’t get approved until around 11:30am – A hastily-assembled ad with 4.5 hours of air time before service. Not good marketing plans, huh?

After our service began, a single mom and 2 of her 4 children walked in.

During our potluck dinner after service, I learned the mother’s story…divorced from an abusive marriage and had spent 6 months in a “safe home.” The mom works nights at a homeless night shelter (translation: her job doesn’t pay much).

She had recently started attending church. But then her job schedule changed- she now works Saturday nights and Wednesdays nights. So attending Sunday morning or Wednesday night church times won’t work.

The mother went to bed when she got off work this morning. She had hoped to attend the last afternoon Easter service at a large nearby church. But she just couldn’t get out of bed in time. When she woke up this afternoon, all Easter services were over.

At home, she began crying in front of her children (and in front of me when recounting her story) . After all her recent efforts to “get back in church,” they had missed Easter Sunday.

And then, she saw a Facebook ad for a 4:00pm Easter service…

——

1 Almighty Father of all things that be,
our life, our work we consecrate to thee,
whose heavens declare thy glory from above,
whose earth below is witness to thy love.

2 For well we know this weary, soiled earth
is yet thine own by right of its new birth,
since that great cross upreared on Calvary
redeemed it from its fault and shame to thee.

3 Thine still the changeful beauty of the hills,
the purple valleys flecked with silver rills,
the ocean glistening ‘neath the golden rays:
they all are thine, and ceaseless speak thy praise.

4 Thou dost the strength to worker’s arms impart;
from thee the skilled musician’s reasoned art,
the grace of poet’s pen or painter’s hand,
to teach the loveliness of sea and land.

5 Then grant us, Lord, in all things thee to own,
to dwell within the shadow of thy throne,
to speak and work, to think and live and move
reflecting thine own nature, which is love;

6 That so, by Christ redeemed from sin and shame,
and hallowed by thy Spirit’s cleansing flame,
ourselves, our work, and all our powers may be
a sacrifice acceptable to thee.

–“Almighty Father of All Things That Be,”

Ernest Edward Dugmore, 1884

I’m sick today. Shocker.

I don’t keep an exact tally of my sick days. But a realistic count for the last year was 60-65 times. I consistently average one Fibromyalgia flareup per week. With me the flareup symptoms look like the common cold, minus the fever. Many flareups last more than one day. And that’s not counting all the “real” times I get sick… I’m IgA (immunoglobulin A) Deficient. Open a new tab and google it. 🙂

On many days, I can push through; on others (like today), I can barely move around. Everything hurts. Thoughts are foggy. My skin is sensitive to the touch.

My Mean Summer Book List

I started an on-site summer ministry intern program in 2017. Interns arrive for a training week, then work with us in our 9-week summer day camp and feeding program. They’re with campers, many of whom are from difficult low-income backgrounds, from 7:30am to 6:00pm five days a week. We house them, feed them, and all adopt them as part of our family.

And I train them the best I know how. We spend the early mornings and evenings discussing the day camp, ministry “land mines,” and the 21 assigned books interns are supposed to read while here. When I mentioned the 21 assigned books to someone yesterday, they said “you’re mean.” Yep.

I chose the books that most powerfully influenced my life and ministry practices.

One of those books is 50 People every Christian Should Know by Warren Wiersbe. I’ve read that book often; each time it reminds me God uses all types, that there’s no one way to serve God, and that many other Christians have faithfully served Him in spite of their frail bodies.
Wiersbe devotes one chapter to the 19th Century Scottish pastor Andrew Bonar.

[Trivia Bit: Andrew’s older brother was Horatius Bonar, who wrote many hymns including his most famous “I heard the Voice of Jesus Say.“]

Life at 80

At 80 years old Andrew Bonar made a journal entry:“I see distinctly that my Lord is teaching me to glory in my infirmities and to be willing to be set aside…all this is saying ‘He must increase; I must decrease.’”
Those words resounded through my mind today. Bonar was quoting the Apostle Paul 2 Corinthians 12 (from the King James Version). In verse 8 Paul recounts praying 3 times God would remove a “thorn in his flesh.” [Brilliant Biblical Scholars disagree about that mysterious “thorn.” So I certainly will not wade into that quagmire. I’m not concerned today with the thorn, but Paul’s response.]

But instead of granting Paul’s request, God responded to Paul in verse 9 with “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Paul then explains to his readers what he will now do, given the Lord’s response…

“Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9b-10).

Glory!

These extemporaneous shouts of praise were especially heart-warming if you knew the man– always clean cut, never at church or the seminary without jacket and tie. He taught church finance classes in addition to his work as a seminary administrator.

Yet when singing about his Savior, this straight-laced man often couldn’t contain his joy. The exultation would eventually come bursting from his lungs with his familiar, “Glory!”

Beware of projecting some awkward and monotonous ‘Sunday morning Bible reading’ on the Apostle Paul’s response. It’s clear Paul was not afraid to express emotion.

The same God who set the stars in the heavens has finally finally spoken, after Paul’s three heartfelt requests to remove that “thorn.” However God answered, I believe Paul would have been thrilled that God finally gave him an answer.

“Most gladly therefore will I rather GLORY! in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong” (emphasis mine, obviously)

Rest

I firmly believe God will, one day, heal me of my current auto-immune conditions. For reasons I don’t understand, He’s yet to grant my requests.
No matter. I don’t follow God for what He will do for me. I follow Him for what He has already done. He’s forgiven me, called me his “beloved child,” and lavished His grace upon me.

Yes, even with 60-65 days of sickness per year, even with my own current aches and pains, I will agree that “His grace is sufficient.” And, like the Apostle Paul and that dear man shouting from the choir loft, “I will Glory! in my infirmities.”

Furthermore, on this day when the simplest tasks left me feeling winded, I will stand in agreement with the Apostle Paul… when I am weak, then am I strong. 

It’s 10:30pm. That’s late for me. My sleep schedule is now off from too much sleep earlier today. My body needs more rest. But Andrew’s older brother, Horatius, reminds me… It’s Christ, not a comfy mattress, who gives me the rest I truly need. Good night, friends.

May you Glory! in your infirmities, whatever they are and however long they linger.

I heard the voice of Jesus say,
“Come unto Me and rest;
lay down, thou weary one, lay down
thy head upon My breast!”
I came to Jesus as I was,
so weary worn and sad;
I found in Him a resting-place,
and He has made me glad.

I heard the voice of Jesus say,
“Behold, I freely give
the living water; thirsty one,
stoop down, and drink, and live!”
I came to Jesus, and I drank
of that life-giving stream;
my thirst was quenched, my soul revived,
and now I live in Him.

I heard the voice of Jesus say,
“I am this dark world’s Light;
look unto Me, thy morn shall rise,
and all thy day be bright!”
I looked to Jesus, and I found
in Him my Star, my Sun;
and in that Light of life I’ll walk,
till all my journey’s done.

I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say,Horatius Bonar, 1846

Shopping carts

It’s a little after 8:00am Saturday, December 1. I exit our backyard gate, walk through our church courtyard, and proceed towards a church back door. I see the shopping carts. Frustration immediately rises inside me.

I woke up several hours earlier feeling sick. I have to start moving to lessen my severe whole-body pain and fatigue. But this isn’t a post about my frail body. I’ve already written about that here, here, and here.

I enter the church building and begin preparing for our 9am church work and cleanup day. When you pastor a church with a massive aging facility, much of your mental energy gravitates toward days like this. But cleanup is relative when you also pastor the homeless. I agreed to two shopping carts in our church courtyard. Now there are six.

5 weeks earlier

A homeless man rings the Parsonage doorbell at 7:00am. [FYI, a “Parsonage” is a church-owned house where the “Parson” lives. Parson is basically an archaic word for “Pastor.” In the U.S. we rarely see this word, unless it’s being used with the suffix to describe this unique class of houses….or when we sing “Walking in a Winter Wonderland.” Bonus points if you don’t need to google the lyrics to remember the reference.]

I open the door to see a familiar face. I’ve known this homeless man for 5.5 years. Many in the Wedgwood area of Fort Worth would recognize his face. Some of my local readers have probably already guessed who I’m writing about and can picture him now. In this post, I’ll call him Dave*.

My famous front door…

It’s not unusual for homeless people to ring our doorbell. I’ve learned word travels quickly in the homeless community…I’m talked about. My home’s location gets shared and described. ‘There’s a pastor who lives on that corner by Goodwill, in a house with a dark blue door, who won’t just run you off the property if you ask for help.’

Dave has been homeless for almost 20 years. He can’t remember an exact date. Even if you were taught proper social etiquette, years of street-living causes memory loss about such rules.

‘Bells will be ringing’

For some unknown reason, Dave never rings the doorbell just once. It’s always a quick double ring. If we don’t answer the door fast enough. He rings it again, and again. Then the fist pounding begins. His front door techniques aren’t unique. Most homeless people at our front door follow the same pattern. I’m not sure why.

Given the types of people I regularly interact with, we have a strict family rule: my wife does not open the front door if I’m not home. One afternoon she had to break that rule when a homeless woman came to the door. After 5 minutes of relentless ringing, door pounding, front window-peeking (seriously), garage-window peeking (yeah), and dog barking, my wife had to break our family rule and ask the woman to come back later. Did I mention this was during our baby’s nap time??

Garage greetings

A few weeks ago, Dave (thought he) saw me pulling into our small and tight garage. So he followed behind the van and entered the garage to greet me as I opened the van door. You guessed it. It wasn’t me, but my wife. She exited the car, and stood in a 3.5ft gap between her van door and the side garage wall, with another garage wall behind her and Dave standing in front of her, blocking her path.

Yep.

He recognized his mistake and quickly backed out of the garage, sincerely apologizing to my wife (and later to me) for scaring her.

In my desperation from working with such people, I quickly sought out principles from experts such as Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, who wrote the book Boundaries; When to say YES and when to say NO to take control of your life.

When serving people who appear to have no boundaries my professional and family boundaries had to become pretty firm. (Although, after that garage incident and a few others like it, my wife may feel my boundaries are still a little squishy!)

Refreshingly Honest

Dave is different; he’s always been refreshingly honest with me: He makes decent money panhandling and considers that his job. He’s ‘a drunk’ and doesn’t plan to, or can’t, change.
He doesn’t do drugs anymore, but only because he doesn’t like how psychotic they make him feel.

Chronically homeless

Professionals in the field describe people like Dave as “chronically homeless:” homeless for over a year with at least one disabling condition (e.g. mental illness, addiction, physical disability). He’ll quickly tell you he prefers the streets to any type of free housing he might be offered. Sadly, I’ve learned this is true with many “chronically homeless.”

There’s no doubt Dave suffers from multiple disabling conditions…alcohol addiction, a sickly body from years of hard living, and mental illness. While working in the back yard, I occasionally hear Dave as he walks down the road. It sounds like he’s having an argument, but no one else is with him. One time I had to give Dave some tough love; that angered him for months. We run a resident summer internship in conjunction with our summer day camp and feeding program. When an intern was setting out the trash one morning. Dave walked by and let loose a tirade about what a terrible person I am.

After almost two decades living outside, Dave is now claustrophobic inside the same buildings that give others warmth and security. He now views ‘four walls’ as obstacles to a quick escape if he’s attacked (he always sleeps with a knife). In the 5.5. years I’ve known him, he’s only attended our church worship service once. His visit lasted 5 minutes; he was in and out before the service even started. Church Growth experts would weigh my hours spent with Dave against Dave’s church attendance patterns and probably assess it as the worst-possible Church Growth strategy.

A sad past

During late-night conversations on my front porch or afternoon chats in our church’s front lobby (with 4 all-glass doors and glass side panels that give the feel of still being outdoors), Dave has slowly shared details from his traumatic past. Given his honesty with me about other issues, I believe most of the details are true.

After years of abuse in foster care, Dave finally aged out of the system. He spent a short time in the military, but received a dishonorable discharge due to uncontrollable anger. After that, he worked whatever blue-collar jobs he could find. Frequent alcohol use led to a couple DUIs. Eventually, he married. He and his wife spent their weekends doing cocaine…until he found her dead in the bathroom from an overdose. After her death, he quickly spiraled out of control.

Morning request

On this 7am morning, we’re busily preparing our oldest for school before his 7:50 tardy bell. I smell the beer on Dave’s breath as he begins his request. He speaks in his usual long-winded and ‘beat-around-the-bush’ style: he wants to temporarily store some of his sister’s belongings here at the church.

I interrupt him. I’m happy to talk more later but need to take my son to school. If he will meet me at the front of the church building at 8:00am, we can talk more. At 10:50am he finally arrives. I’ve learned time is fluid in the chronically homeless community, at least with the ones I know.

Dave asks to store a couple shopping carts filled with items in our church courtyard. His sister [not his real sister, but they ‘adopted’ each other many years ago] also lives on the streets, or with abusive men who take advantage of her vulnerability. She’s also chronically homeless; I regularly see her, body racked with tremors, pushing around a shopping cart as she dumpster-dives behind businesses, and always talking to herself.

A troubled mind’s treasures

Occasionally, Dave’s sister finds something valuable from her daily dumpster-dives. She sells what she can to the local pawn shop or jewelry store. But (in my unprofessional opinion), she mainly collects items because she’s a compulsive hoarder. Like my boys who fill their pockets with worthless ‘treasures,’ she fills shopping carts to the point of overflowing with worthless junk.

How do I know most of the items are worthless? First, she found them in dumpsters, so that’s not a good start. Although, I admit, our society throws away a plenty of good items. Second, I know they’re worthless because I’ve had time to inspect six full shopping carts of her ‘treasures,’ all hiding in our church courtyard. What few items held some value were now worth even less after sitting 5+weeks outdoors (including through two heavy rain storms).

I listen to Dave’s request that Friday morning in our church lobby. His sister found a storage locker employee who would rent her a unit without ID. She just needed to provide one month’s pre-paid rent. A friend with a car would help them haul items after work Friday evening and all-day Saturday. They just needed a place to store them until then.

I heard a similar story three years earlier. It ended with a church volunteer group filling half a dumpster after Dave and his sister disappeared for months. But, I give them another chance, and a stern warning that our church would not be responsible for any items after the Saturday night deadline. That conversation was Friday, November 2

Work Day

The deadline came and went. Four more shopping carts appeared at some unknown later date, pushed in through a broken gate entrance. Now, I see all six carts as I prepare for our church work day.

So frustrating.

I’ve organized this day to clean up our old facility. Yet my leniency with Dave has created more trash we now have to clean up. But not today. I should at least track him down and warn him before I throw away everything and return all the stolen shopping carts. And, when I do see him, I’ll give him another stern lecture about lying to me and abusing our church’s generosity. I pull my church keys out of my pocket and enter the building. But my frustration festers.

Today’s church work day list includes patching leaks in our roof (cursed flat gravel rooftop!), vacuuming 30+ year-old carpet, cleaning and organizing a kitchen in constant use from multiple churches and a funeral home, and trimming holly bushes out front.

A piece of paper in the pile

I check on two of our men trimming our bushes and bagging up the clippings. One of them gives me a note. He found it underneath a bush near the church front doors. It’s a blank piece of card stock the size of a bookmark. Barely-legible handwriting fills one side. The note has obviously been outside for a while, water-damaged and a little dirty.

I quickly scan the handwriting and inspect the signature. The handwriting is so poor and cramped on the narrow paper, but I can still make it out. It’s a note from Dave. He must have stuffed it between the front doors. I guess the wind blew it out before anyone saw it. It then lay hidden in the bushes for weeks.

I’ve transcribed his note below, including his spelling and the five exclamation points at the end. The words in brackets are mine:

The letter

Dear Pastor Chris and Mrs. Pastor,

Thank you so much for helping me and my sis. I will try to be there to celebrate Thanksgiving with y’all [our church offered a Thanksgiving dinner to the community]. Thanx for the invite. I don’t think very highly of myself so its easier for me to be alone by myself. I do know this. I believe now [I’ve asked him many times if he believes in Jesus and that Jesus can save him]. I don’t believe like most do, but I do know this, I would give my life for a friend and consider both of you my friends!!!!!

His words touched me, and I felt convicted about my morning frustration. But our work day wasn’t done. I pocketed the note and continued my day.

“Being Jesus to him”

I’ve grown up in church. And I’ve spent years serving in a paid ministry role. I can predict the typical Christian comments and well-meaning encouragement after Christians (the Christians in my circles, at least) read Dave’s words. Most follow the general theme that I’m “being Jesus to Dave.” Sure, there’s some truth in that idea. I’m a follower of Christ and representative of Christ’s Church and I do strive to treat and love Dave the way Christ would.

So, yes. In a sense, one could say I’m “being Christ” to Dave (or maybe “I’m being the hands and feet of Christ,” as another Christian phrase puts it).

Thankfully, Christ did not allow me Saturday night to rest in such thoughts, which can linger dangerously close to the cliff of Self-righteousness.

Daddy Duty

I come home absolutely exhausted. My body always pays for days like this, spending the next day in recovery. Unfortunately for me, the next day is Sunday. Recovery will have to wait. My wife woke up the morning of our church work day feeling bad. But she pressed on and went to the church building to help. But she didn’t last long before calling a doctor friend of ours.

It’s a sinus infection.

She walks home to rest while our boys play with help in our church nursery. By dinner time, my wife is lying in bed feeling worse. Daddy’s on duty. I finally put the boys to bed. Everyone in the house is now asleep. Time to clean the dishes. The water runs as I stand over the sink.

Tears

Suddenly, like a crashing wave, words from the Bible flood my thoughts. They’re Jesus’ words. I begin sobbing, trying not to wake my sick wife or our little boys…

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13

“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” John 15:14

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:40

Why is it we Christians gravitate to the few Bible verses describing our position as “being Jesus” to the world but ignore the verses where the world is “being Jesus” us? It’s right there in Matthew 25:40. Whatever I do for Dave, I’m doing for Jesus.
As my tears fall into the sink, I’m overwhelmed with this truth: without even knowing it, Dave wrote Jesus’ words to me.

Like Jesus, Dave says I am his “friend.” I’ve said Dave is a nuisance.

Like Jesus, Dave says he would give his life to his friend. I struggle to give Dave 10 minutes

So…who’s really “being Jesus” in our relationship?

“You search the Scriptures…”

I woke up from a Night Terror several weeks ago. Probably pastor stress. It was 2:30am, but my adrenaline was pumping. I got out of bed and began reading my Bible for the next 3 hours. Long stretches of Bible reading aren’t uncommon for me. For a while now, I’ve privately read through the entire Bible once each month. I don’t do it to be a better preacher, or become super spiritual (although, can you imagine the bragging rights this can get you in the Christian community?!) And it’s definitely NOT a recommended Church Growth strategy…too many lost hours. I simply do it it because I think I heard God command it. Until I understand otherwise or receive further clarification from Him, I’ll continue the practice. [I do not recommend this practice to anyone else, by the way.]

“Thank you that I’m not like other people”

But consider Jesus’ words to religious leaders like me who fill their time with religious practices, especially practices we talk about and allow others to see:

“To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Luke 18:9-14

What’s the point of reading through the Bible each month if I fail to see and practice the Bible’s commands? How often have I read those verses that hit me Saturday night, yet failed to obey them? Such wasted time.

Shopping carts, again

It’s now a little after 8:00pm Saturday night. I put the baby monitor in my pocket and walk out our back door. The church work day ended only a few hours ago, but I’m on my way back for more work. I’ve been informed a toilet is leaking water and the old shutoff valve won’t shut off.

I exit our backyard gate, walk through our church courtyard, and proceed towards a church back door. I see the shopping carts. This time Love, not Frustration, immediately rises inside me. And gratitude…gratitude that I have one new friend tonight; and gratitude that, when I failed to see such glaring Biblical truths, God sent me a letter in the bushes.

Night

I wake up shivering. My body aches. It feels like the Flu. Is it? Probably not. I know better by now. How long have I been asleep? It’s still dark outside. I tightly wrap the covers around me and fall back asleep.

My alarm wakes me. This time it’s 4:30am, my normal wake-up time to read and pray before the daily circus begins. Nothing is quiet, no fragile item is safe unless our young boys are sleeping. But I silence my alarm and fall back asleep.

Morning

7:05am I’ve heard people describe deep full-body pain the day after a bad car wreck. Those descriptions immediately come to mind as I slowly get out of bed. Everything hurts. Everything. My fingernails and fingertips hurt. As I wrap my fingers around my toothbrush, my hands feel arthritic. Clothing irritates my skin as it gently moves against my body. But I force myself to keep moving. Ironically, laying in bed on a day like this can me feel worse. My bare feet feel bruised.

Looking Back

My feet. That’s where all my pain began many years ago. Severe feet pain and fatigue. Working on my feet as a barista during seminary didn’t help. I eventually spent 6 weeks on medical disability, finally returned to work, only to quit when I couldn’t finish one shift. For the next two years, I used public wheelchairs any place where long periods of standing might occur.

Creep

But the pain slowly started to creep – my legs to my thighs, my low back, my fingers. I became restless with pain when sitting still for too long. My muscles twitched in bed and often woke my wife. And with increased pain came increased fatigue. No amount of sleep could make me feel rested.

Then came the frequent illnesses, colds, viral sore throats, cold/flu symptoms but no fever [now I know these were Fibromyalgia flare-ups], asthma, severe stomach viruses that sent me to the ER, weight loss, and a gnawing mental fog that I couldn’t shake.
Eventually, doctors diagnosed me with three autoimmune disorders: Celiac’s disease, Immunoglobulin A Deficiency, and Fibromyalgia. Sometimes, I now see that one disorder can influence the other. For example, I think a very mild virus last week (with the midnight fever and multiple sores in my mouth) triggered a very intense Fibromyalgia flare-up.

My Celiac symptoms quickly disappeared after switching to a gluten-free diet. My other two disorders, however, continue to slowly deteriorate my health. I radically altered my diet this summer, which seems to have helped. But my energy is still on-par with someone 40 years my senior.

Outside of this blog, I rarely mention my symptoms, even with my family. In fact, I sometimes forget my ailments until someone asks about my health.  The brain’s coping mechanisms for such chronic pain and fatigue are awe-inspiring; I learned to compartmentalize and suppress the milder symptoms. In other words, I’m good at faking it.

Interruptions

As you might imagine, it’s often difficult to maintain a normal work schedule or normal work pace. Interruptions are now a part of life. I have plenty of ‘not bad’ days, but I no longer have ‘good days.’ I now mentally plan ‘recovery time’ after simple tasks like mowing the lawn, or walking for long periods of time.

[Since typing the previous sentence last week, I confessed in a church leadership meeting that I could no longer complete several manual-labor tasks around our aging church facilities and faithfully pastor people; I simply don’t have the physical strength for both. I even asked help mowing the Parsonage (our house on church property) lawn. I’m a thin healthy-looking 33-year-old male, and I can’t mow my lawn. That’s embarrassing.]

I attended our first Cub Scouts meeting with our 5-year-old last week. The Scout leader mentioned camping and hiking. I immediately became a little nervous. One bad night’s sleep can put me into a Fibromyalgia flare-up. It’s not uncommon to wake up sick the day after I mow the lawn. How will I do after hiking and sleeping in a tent?

Lawn Work

My wife takes our son to school. I put on work clothes. It’s Lawn Day. Heavy rains earlier in the week and my procrastination mean I’ll now spend hours working outside before company arrives in the evening.

I enjoy lawn work. When in junior high, I planned to become a Landscape Architect. I read books on landscape design and, one year, requested a Better Homes & Gardens magazine subscription. Man, I was a weird kid.

God’s plan to keep me humble now includes a lawn I don’t have energy to maintain. And by, “maintain,” I mean “create an award-winning front yard that gives me citywide recognition, get’s featured in my favorite schoolboy magazine, and makes for great Instagram photos where I show my boys but really want you to notice my flowerbeds.” Don’t judge me.

Faith Comes By Hearing

Listening to something in my headphones helps distract from the overwhelming pain and exhaustion. I try to “redeem the time” (Ephesians 5:16) by listening to either an audio Bible or a Christian book while doing other work. God especially has grown my faith as I listen to the biographies of great Christian saints. For me, quite literally, “faith comes by hearing” (Romans 10:17).
Today, I’m listening (for the fifth or sixth time) to 101 Hymn Stories by Kenneth Osbeck. Each story includes a short audio portion of the hymn, then a biographical sketch about the author/composer.

I spend the day, and the next few days, hearing how long-dead saints praised their Heavenly Father. My flare-up doesn’t lessen until Saturday morning (I’m still dealing with it two weeks later).

But on this time through the book, one pattern emerges in technicolor… the number of hymn writers who struggled with debilitating illnesses and/or chronic physical disabilities: Isaac Watts, Fanny Crosby, Thomas Chisolm, Frances Havergal, George Matheson, Elizabeth Clephane, Charlotte Elliott.
Google them. You won’t regret it.

Night

The lawn work ends. My condition hasn’t improved by the evening. I grimace when picking up a dinner plate; it feels like a large dumbbell.  All my muscles are tender.  My forearm is too weak to open a small bottle I’ve grabbed from the fridge. If my wife wasn’t meeting with several other young moms in our front room, I would have asked her to open it for me. Pride prevents me.

Our boys are now asleep in bed. My bed calls out to me. But I leave home to see a couple who recently visited our church. The wife feels scared about upcoming medical tests and wants prayer. Ignoring my pain and exhaustion during my conversation is as easy as ignoring someone screaming in my ear.
I arrive back home around 9:15. I climb in bed, quickly fall asleep

Morning

I wake up Friday morning, but feel just as bad. This is my life. In spite of many faith-filled prayers, God has not yet chosen to heal me from these debilitating and incredibly inconvenient illnesses. Surprisingly, my faith to pray for healings has grown, not shrunk.

Charlotte Elliott

I spend the day working on tasks that won’t easily tire my body. Powerful words from one hymn writer sound through my headphones on Friday afternoon. Charlotte Elliott was a devout Christian woman who spent much of her life as an invalid. She even edited and compiled a hymnbook entitled The Invalid’s Hymn Book. Seriously.

I back up the audio and hear the quote again. I paused until I could find the words online view the text as the words again float into my ears. They deeply sink into my soul…

“He knows, and He alone, what it is, day after day, hour after hour, to fight against bodily feelings of almost overpowering weakness, languor and exhaustion, to resolve not to yield to slothfulness, depression and instability, such as the body causes me to long to indulge, but to rise every morning determined to take for my motto: ‘If a man will come after Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow Me.”

Black Velvet

The audio book continued.

My symptoms remained the same. My circumstances didn’t change. But I finally recognized my Great Inconvenience for what it truly is… an old friend.

19th Century British pastor Charles Spurgeon said:
“When pangs shoot through our body, and ghastly death appears in view, people see the patience of the dying Christian. Our infirmities become the black velvet on which the diamond of God’s love glitters all the more brightly.”

Yes. Weakness is my friend. Anyone who daily, for almost 15 years, causes God’s love to shine more brightly in my life is a great friend, indeed.

Ode to Weakness

Weakness, my old friend, you bring out the best.

In me? No. Of course not. You bring out the best in my Lord, making His love glitter all the more brightly against the black velvet you spread over my body.

When I need help to open a bottle… I see Jesus. He suffered for us to the point of total exhaustion and needed help to carry his cross.

When fatigue tempts me to act selfishly, thinking of relieving only my own body’s pain… I see the Messiah. He regularly sought retreat to rest his body and soul yet, when the masses found him, he did not turn them away and felt compassion for them.

When vanity consumes me, questioning how others interpret my frailty… I see my Savior, who thought only to please His Father.

When pain tempts me to sinful irritability… I see God’s Son on the cross. With the nails through his flesh, he prays for his murderers.

When I carry my pain with bent-body in the early mornings… I see the Lamb of God, who carries the pain with me – “Surely he has borne our infirmities and carried our diseases” (Isaiah 53:4).

When depression sets in, considering all the work I no longer have strength to complete… I see my Heavenly Father, whose strength “is made perfect in Weakness.”

When I read the Bible with heavy eyelids in the early mornings… I see the Light of the World, praying at night in the garden while his closest friends fell asleep.

When my hands ache and my tender fingertips type these keys… I see the Savior’s nail-pierced hands.

Weakness, my old friend, I commit to a new Attitude of Gratitude when you are near. I trust my Father will heal me one day, putting an end to your daily visits. Until then I will live with gratitude for your black velvet, against which “the diamond of God’s love glitters all the more brightly.”

Just As I Am

Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To Thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need in Thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, Thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because Thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, Thy love unknown
Hath broken every barrier down;
Now, to be Thine, yea, Thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Charlotte Elliott, 1836